How to celebrate Earth Month the American way~!
6 things to buy in a hopeless place
Welcome to Earth Month.
Springtime, new beginnings, rebirth … April ushers in the time-honored tradition that mercilessly merges sustainability with capitalism. Yes, breathe in: This special time of year is for marketers to expend just a dose of extra effort to convince us that we can buy our way out of the depths of climate devastation. You have just inhaled microplastic… now breathe out.
All of April, we are gifted the opportunity to support the planet by spending money on material goods. April is the perfect moment for materials that never once considered sustainability as a value prop to test out a new routine. It’s an annual performance that’s impossible to miss. From mochi to dry-erase boards (seriously), every SKU under the sun will try on a top hat, tap a toe or two, then blindly wish upon a shooting drone that the earth-coded song and dance will be enough to compel consumers to re-activate their Klarna account.
This year I’ve received a thrilling number of product pitches that suggest I celebrate this blessed earth by including them in an Earth Month Roundup™.
Who am I to deny the friends in my inbox of such a respectful request? I am reviving my one-time “Sustainable Products for Earth Month” series to do my part this year as the “P” in EPA puts in its resignation. So, without further adieu, please find my “favorite” products for Earth Month rounded up for your perusing pleasure below. Mwa!
1. Toilet paper spray
What can’t they invent, babes?
I do not want to dab candle-scented water onto my vag and butthole, but capitalism leaves me no choice :(. Is it so privileged for me to posit that I don’t fully understand why the masses need to wet their bottoms to feel clean after pooping? Instead of TP spray, I think many of us should be investing in fiber consumption.
“Traditional wet wipes are wreaking havoc on the environment –– clogging pipes, polluting waterways, and taking centuries to break down.
Pristine Toilet Paper Spray transforms ordinary toilet paper into an effective, eco-friendly cleansing solution without the waste. Unlike wet wipes, Pristine is biodegradable, free of harsh chemicals, and packaged with sustainability in mind, it’s a simple swap that makes a big impact on the planet.”
Wet wipes are bad for the environment. The solution, however, is not to wet your holes with scented water sold in a plastic spray bottle. Just my opinion. You?
2. Compostable Mochi Trays
How delightfully niche. There’s no shame in releasing more planet-friendly packaging and, in fact, I love when brands do it. But there is such misinformation around “compostable” materials that I am, frankly, tired of this bullshit. It concerns me that folks in an office are talking about how to market their mochi as more sustainable and they land on: compostable trays to gently cup their ice cream balls.
The messaging: “Guaranteed to decompose within six months in your backyard compost, Bubbies new trays use 94% less plastic than the brand’s previous packaging and are forecasted to eliminate 310 tons of plastic waste annually. Keep paradise clean this month, and every month by choosing your favorite Bubbies’ Ice Cream flavor and getting outside!”
In order for compostable materials to deteriorate as intended, they have to be composted. The average consumer is not bringing this tray to their composting facility — and they’re certainly not doing it when they have 0 information about how composting works. This tray is most likely to end up in the landfill (or the recycling bin, which may or may not fuck with the recycling facility), where it is not guaranteed to decompose within six months.
For Bubbies to imply that their ice cream eater is going to shred this packaging in their backyard compost pile assumes a lot about the consumer that can be easily disproven with the research the company’s customer insights team surely has presented in a beautiful deck.
OK, look.. this option is better than a plastic tray, but we’re too far in to make this a god forsaken campaign. Bubbies should move forward with its packaging revamp, but spend the money allocated to this April marketing idea on, IDK, preventing deforestation? To be fair, Bubbies does have a surprising number of environmentally-centered campaigns (beach clean ups, ocean plastic recovery, yada yada yada) incorporated into its sustainability practices. My issue with their packaging promotion isn’t really a Bubbie’s issue, but a capitalism one. I can’t expand on this right now because I feel devastated (need a snack).
3. Office supplies
I’ve been tasked with forcing editorial coverage to align with the calendar many times in my career, so I deeply empathize with the people who had to connect office supplies with Earth Month. My heart does go out, but I still must laugh a little (how else to survive?)
“Reduce the need for paper and save trees in the process with Quartet’s Infinity Glass Magnetic Calendar Board ($103.60) or Glass Dry-Erase Desktop Computer Pad ($26.99). Or, if you’re really looking to make your whole workspace sustainable, do so with the Glass Desktop Monitor Riser ($74.89) or Glass Desktop Dry-Erase Easel ($24.99).”
Totally. I think many people in today’s workforce are actually using digital screens instead of paper at their workspace, but if I have to buy a $100 glass notepad to save the planet, well, by George, I will!!!!
4. A plastic indoor grounding mat to make you feel connected with the outdoors
This one has to be in the joke, right? This collection of “Earthing Mats” allows people (and their pets!) to take practice of grounding (which is actually just standing on the ground outside) inside.
If reading that made you feel crazy, me too me too me too. Here’s more from the source: “With Grooni Earthing, you can bring the benefits of grounding indoors, making it easier to experience the Earth’s healing energy anytime, anywhere.”
Is this grounding mat for people being held in captivity? I don’t mean to be insensitive, but for most of us to get the benefits of the earth outdoors, couldn’t we, just, go… no, I’m not going to say it. I won’t let Grooni make me stoop so low.
We cannot stand for products (or marketing) like this. We have to call the authorities. I would do anything for my dogs, but sometimes taking them for a walk is the best option.
5. An “eco-friendly” bath pillow
Am I still alive? I feel completely deranged. You’re not doing the planet any favors by buying a pillow for your bath tub. It does look comfy though. It is $200.
6. A monthly subscription baking kit that comes in sustainable packaging (a cardboard box?)
You know that person in your extended friend circle you simply cannot hold a conversation with? There’s nothing wrong with this person, other people enjoy their company, but, for whatever reason, you do not speak the same language. You’ve considered how devastating it would be to be caught in an elevator with them.
I get this same nervous feeling from this pitch about a baking subscription box. There is nothing wrong or egregious about this product or concept, but I do not understand how someone could write in an email that it is a sustainable product because it’s shipped in a cardboard box.
I feel woozy. I want to ask, sincerely, “What are you talking about?”
The pitch:
“Fikabröd Baking Boxes are a sweet and tasty way to celebrate Earth Month and have some fun!
Every month Fikabröd delivers you a baking box with a new theme, unique recipes, hard-to-find ingredients, and more all in eco-friendly packaging! (:
Highlights:
A baking subscription box for bakers of all levels
Every box has a new theme with unique ingredients and tools
Ingredients are alll gourmet, imported, or small business inclusions.
Month-to-month, six-month, or twelve-month subscription plans are available
Packaging is recyclable, eco-friendly and sustainable
Recipes are posted to their website to inspire new ventures in the kitchen
Delivered right to your door
Woman-owned”
Ohhhhhhhhhh it’s a woman-owned company!!!! Now I get it.
Happy Earth Month! What is your favorite thing to buy in the name of sustainability? Do let me know in the comments.
ALSO: Thanks so much for reading this call for help masked as maniacal outrage. If you enjoyed this read, please like and/or leave a comment, which can help this publication grow. If you are reading this as an email, click the heart button at the top or bottom of this email: You’ll be directed to the Substack website where you can also leave a comment. If you are reading it online, just click the heart button at the top or bottom of this post. I’d truly love to hear from you. Thank you!
You made me laugh out loud through the whole thing!!! Thanks, GLGG!
(P.S. STILL NO AMAZON PURCHASES OVER HERE!)
I laughed so hard I cried…